I can't tell if Haven is in bed for the night (as of 5:30!) or if this is a late nap that is going to screw my night and therefore my day tomorrow. I didn't even change her diaper after getting her at the babysitter. Or her clothes for that matter. But she passed out after eating and I transferred her to her crib and now we're past her usual going to bed time so let's all hope...
I'm trying to get a professional photo session set up for us in the next few weeks while Dan's home. Already got shot down by one gal who is booked through October. Oops. I have another backup plan but if that's booked too I'm in trouble. I'm hoping to do something a little artistic and outside. Exciting if I can get it together.
I'm going to have help (flown in) this week which I cannot wait for! Not only do I have help, but I have an old friend to laugh with, talk for hours on end with (she's a talker let me tell you), shop with, eat with, enjoy Haven with.
I got pulled over this morning. Freaking me. I was speeding. I knew I was speeding. Truthfully, I speed every single day- TO and FROM work. Because quite frankly, well, I'm from Chicagoland and in Chicago you drive as fast as your car can go when you have an open highway. And I am always trying to get to where I need to be as fast as I can so I can get on with what I need to get on with and that's kind of how my day rolls. As does everyone else's in this country who drives 70 when the speed limit is 60. Ok 75-78 according to the cop. And apparently I changed lanes in a manner that was unacceptable to him as well so I got a second fine for that. The funny thing is, I saw a car in my rearview mirror directly behind me and I thought, "that could be an undercover cop car." Two seconds later my ADD mind was somewhere else and ten seconds after that, I got the flashing lights.
So Haven now has 6 teeth through. Holy Haven. She has apparently chosen to sleep through teething. Except for during the day and several times at night. On the subject of getting "bitten", as in while breastfeeding: it happened to me EVERY TIME I FED HER. And it sucked. And I was to the point that I was super tense about latching her on and ready to strike (not literally) at any second. Then I told my babysitter to stop letting her chew on the bottle and somehow, we are not biting mommy anymore :)
I feel like I should probably lay down and get some rest instead of doing things like blog while Haven is asleep. Or maybe eat dinner seeing as how last night's dinner was chips and salsa and chips and bean dip and tonight's dinner has been rice crackers and hummus and a root beer (I know, bad dietitian). Otherwise I really have no room to complain about being tired or not well nourished. Really, I wish I could be outside on these evenings to stroll in the sunset and enjoy long summer nights...
There aren't many left.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
It's time for a renewal around here
It's been almost a month since I've been here. I sort of decided I was going to be done with blogging for good since I just plain old don't have the time or, let's be honest, creative energy that I did a year or two ago. But the truth is I like to blog, or really for me-- journal. That's what blogging is for me. Journaling my thoughts. Tracking the little day to day things in life. And this is important because I can reflect, remember there were good and bad times before, see I got through, see I enjoyed, and see that there will be good and bad times again. And that nothing in the past seems to compare to the present.
So in order to launch my renewal I have to make a few decisions:
1. Does anyone care? Does anyone come here anymore?
Answer: Turns out even if it's just me that cares, that comes here, that's enough. And what is up with all the creepo messages/ads for Viagra people are leaving on my comments? I'm confused. Why is this happening on my blog and not on other peoples? Is it some form of spam? It's wierd and rude. And if you're doing it, you're weird and rude. Goodbye.
2. What do I want to write about?
Answer: I don't want to be boxed in to one category (i.e. nutrition), so I think I'm going to make this... as I said in an earlier post... a 2-dimensional blog that reflects my 2-dimensional life: work and Haven. Although that leaves out Dan, but since he's not here, maybe he will just make cameos.
3. How often can I really do this?
Answer: Doesn't matter. When I have time and inspiration, I'll journal. Haven does take naps, and chores and errands can wait once in awhile.
So let's just cut to what has been going on the past month:
1. Haven has 5 TEETH. This is crazy because she just turned 5 months old. This makes me excited to start solids which my plan is to start going back to the farmer's market once a week and use seasonal produce to make her "solids". This is a great theory. But with a lot of things in my life lately, I have to let go of ideals and work with what works so that I don't have a breakdown on a daily basis just to hang on to ideals. Welcome to the story of every mom in America.
2. Haven is cuter than ever, happier than ever, sweeter than ever, more fun than ever.
3. Work is going better than ever but leaving me exhausted. I find myself putting more energy into my kiddos because I just keep thinking, if that were Haven..... And there is no limit to the perfection you would want to achieve if your infant/child were in the hospital. I love the women I work with and have found a support system in them. Which makes leaving Haven for 10-11 hours a day tolerable.
4. The GI clinic role I now have at least once or twice a week is waaaay better than it was a month ago. I am much more comfortable there and that makes a huge difference. I really enjoy it now and it has just made me a more well-rounded clinician. It's like I've closed the gap of what happens after the kiddos discharge from the hospital, go off into the atmosphere, never to know what becomes of them. I have seen so many success stories... one little peanut who came to us at 5 weeks old, terribly failure to thrive. She was like a floppy little noodle with bones. Turned out she had profound protein allergy and was simply malnourished from intolerance to her feeds. We got her on the right formula and now just a few weeks later, this baby is AWESOME! I could not believe it when I saw her-- her eyes were so alert and her skin tone and muscle tone were so improved. Almost shocking.
5. I am taking on another new role as a metabolic/genetic disorders dietitian in a new clinic starting at my hospital. It's a huge responsibility and a whole new level of research and learning to do but I think it's a good opportunity I don't want to pass up. I'll be flying to Denver for a conference to learn about all of this which will be fun and exhausting with the little one in tow.
6. I have lost all my baby weight I just realized the other day :)
7. I have recently and suddenly had the profound realization that I have a daughter and she may be my only daughter. She is almost half way to one year old and I have not indulged in buying her tons of girly baby clothes or toys or really taken the time I should to just stare at her and take it all in. And take the time to do nothing but play and help her learn and show her new things and new experiences and to be really happy with her. I feel like I've just been surviving through the days. So I started wondering, am I really doing everything I can to make every day for her count? Again, welcome to the story of every mom in America. But that doesn't make it less important just because we all feel like this. I want to make sure I take a picture or video of everything and make a big deal out of new things and oh my gosh, I should sign up for one of those baby/mommy swim classes and work on her tummy time.....
But for now she's asleep and I need to sweep. Welcome to the new blog!
So in order to launch my renewal I have to make a few decisions:
1. Does anyone care? Does anyone come here anymore?
Answer: Turns out even if it's just me that cares, that comes here, that's enough. And what is up with all the creepo messages/ads for Viagra people are leaving on my comments? I'm confused. Why is this happening on my blog and not on other peoples? Is it some form of spam? It's wierd and rude. And if you're doing it, you're weird and rude. Goodbye.
2. What do I want to write about?
Answer: I don't want to be boxed in to one category (i.e. nutrition), so I think I'm going to make this... as I said in an earlier post... a 2-dimensional blog that reflects my 2-dimensional life: work and Haven. Although that leaves out Dan, but since he's not here, maybe he will just make cameos.
3. How often can I really do this?
Answer: Doesn't matter. When I have time and inspiration, I'll journal. Haven does take naps, and chores and errands can wait once in awhile.
So let's just cut to what has been going on the past month:
1. Haven has 5 TEETH. This is crazy because she just turned 5 months old. This makes me excited to start solids which my plan is to start going back to the farmer's market once a week and use seasonal produce to make her "solids". This is a great theory. But with a lot of things in my life lately, I have to let go of ideals and work with what works so that I don't have a breakdown on a daily basis just to hang on to ideals. Welcome to the story of every mom in America.
2. Haven is cuter than ever, happier than ever, sweeter than ever, more fun than ever.
3. Work is going better than ever but leaving me exhausted. I find myself putting more energy into my kiddos because I just keep thinking, if that were Haven..... And there is no limit to the perfection you would want to achieve if your infant/child were in the hospital. I love the women I work with and have found a support system in them. Which makes leaving Haven for 10-11 hours a day tolerable.
4. The GI clinic role I now have at least once or twice a week is waaaay better than it was a month ago. I am much more comfortable there and that makes a huge difference. I really enjoy it now and it has just made me a more well-rounded clinician. It's like I've closed the gap of what happens after the kiddos discharge from the hospital, go off into the atmosphere, never to know what becomes of them. I have seen so many success stories... one little peanut who came to us at 5 weeks old, terribly failure to thrive. She was like a floppy little noodle with bones. Turned out she had profound protein allergy and was simply malnourished from intolerance to her feeds. We got her on the right formula and now just a few weeks later, this baby is AWESOME! I could not believe it when I saw her-- her eyes were so alert and her skin tone and muscle tone were so improved. Almost shocking.
5. I am taking on another new role as a metabolic/genetic disorders dietitian in a new clinic starting at my hospital. It's a huge responsibility and a whole new level of research and learning to do but I think it's a good opportunity I don't want to pass up. I'll be flying to Denver for a conference to learn about all of this which will be fun and exhausting with the little one in tow.
6. I have lost all my baby weight I just realized the other day :)
7. I have recently and suddenly had the profound realization that I have a daughter and she may be my only daughter. She is almost half way to one year old and I have not indulged in buying her tons of girly baby clothes or toys or really taken the time I should to just stare at her and take it all in. And take the time to do nothing but play and help her learn and show her new things and new experiences and to be really happy with her. I feel like I've just been surviving through the days. So I started wondering, am I really doing everything I can to make every day for her count? Again, welcome to the story of every mom in America. But that doesn't make it less important just because we all feel like this. I want to make sure I take a picture or video of everything and make a big deal out of new things and oh my gosh, I should sign up for one of those baby/mommy swim classes and work on her tummy time.....
But for now she's asleep and I need to sweep. Welcome to the new blog!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Time keeps passing
I can't believe how much time has passed since I last blogged... weeks has it been?
That's the story of my life these days. If I sound like the world's biggest complainer, frankly, I don't really care. I deserve to complain. You would too if you were me. I've learned to say "I don't really care" a lot these past few months. Because sometimes you can only put your energy into the really important things and everything else just has to not matter. Which is hard.
Not that it's all bad. I'm just really really tired. And a bit lonely. And my life is 2-dimensional: work and Haven.
Lucky for me those are two things I like. The trouble is they both require an immense amount of energy-- physical, emotional, mental. So I'm running on fumes to say the least. My cats hate me. And my house needs a serious deep clean. And I have the hardest time not being irritable, sour, and a complainer every time I talk to my husband. Which is once a day for 10 minutes if I'm lucky.
I've had some positive strides on the work front-- I am officially a FTE employee which means I get benefits and I'm in the union. I'm working 32 hrs/wk at minimum but my boss will schedule me more if I would like. I am (sort of) cross-trained to work in the outpatient GI clinic which is quite intimidating let me tell you. That place feels like a nonstop enormous freight train barreling through the world and you just have to hang on for dear life and hope at the end of the day you didn't make a mistake. Yikes it is fast paced and busy busy busy. Which is why I'll be there once a week or so-- too much work for the current staffing model over there. They all have to chart at home because there's no spare time for charting which means weekly overtime. Not good for me as I am caring for an infant BY MYSELF. So that should be interesting.
Haven had her 4 month well-child checkup... 19 lbs 15 ounces and 27.5 inches, although who knows what her length really is-- they have the worst method of measuring there. Nothing too exciting going on with her health status although she now has 2 teeth on the bottom! Crazy little kid. She is so well behaved and "easy" though I swear (this is the only reason why I am not totally off my rocker yet).
Now I need to take advantage of having a day off tomorrow and get myself to bed for a good night's sleep instead of trying to catch up on life or do anything enjoyable... you know like blog here :0 Happy 4th of July ... It's one of my favs!
That's the story of my life these days. If I sound like the world's biggest complainer, frankly, I don't really care. I deserve to complain. You would too if you were me. I've learned to say "I don't really care" a lot these past few months. Because sometimes you can only put your energy into the really important things and everything else just has to not matter. Which is hard.
Not that it's all bad. I'm just really really tired. And a bit lonely. And my life is 2-dimensional: work and Haven.
Lucky for me those are two things I like. The trouble is they both require an immense amount of energy-- physical, emotional, mental. So I'm running on fumes to say the least. My cats hate me. And my house needs a serious deep clean. And I have the hardest time not being irritable, sour, and a complainer every time I talk to my husband. Which is once a day for 10 minutes if I'm lucky.
I've had some positive strides on the work front-- I am officially a FTE employee which means I get benefits and I'm in the union. I'm working 32 hrs/wk at minimum but my boss will schedule me more if I would like. I am (sort of) cross-trained to work in the outpatient GI clinic which is quite intimidating let me tell you. That place feels like a nonstop enormous freight train barreling through the world and you just have to hang on for dear life and hope at the end of the day you didn't make a mistake. Yikes it is fast paced and busy busy busy. Which is why I'll be there once a week or so-- too much work for the current staffing model over there. They all have to chart at home because there's no spare time for charting which means weekly overtime. Not good for me as I am caring for an infant BY MYSELF. So that should be interesting.
Haven had her 4 month well-child checkup... 19 lbs 15 ounces and 27.5 inches, although who knows what her length really is-- they have the worst method of measuring there. Nothing too exciting going on with her health status although she now has 2 teeth on the bottom! Crazy little kid. She is so well behaved and "easy" though I swear (this is the only reason why I am not totally off my rocker yet).
Now I need to take advantage of having a day off tomorrow and get myself to bed for a good night's sleep instead of trying to catch up on life or do anything enjoyable... you know like blog here :0 Happy 4th of July ... It's one of my favs!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Haven's friend comes for dinner
Can you stand it? Haven was touching her and trying to "hold" her hand. Finnley is 7 wks, about 1/2 Haven's age and such a cutie!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
She's going home!!!
No not me. Well actually now that I think of it, yes I will be going home next week... but that's not what this story is about.
This story is about the little sweet cutie patootie girl who has been in the hospital for almost as long as I've been working there and SHE WENT HOME TODAY!!!
I worked on this little complicated darling from Fontan to ECMO with trickle NG feeds and TPN. To months of Portagen. To a nonfat PO diet + Portagen. To dysphagia for thin liquids and therefore honey thick PO liquids + Gtube with Portagen. Then while I was on maternity leave she left and came back and was back to TPN. Then slowly back to Portagen via Gtube. Then Portagen via Gtube + nonfat PO diet + restricted PO honey thick liquids. To finally Monogen via Gtube + nonfat PO diet with 500 ml/day PO honey thick fluid restriction. And one Boost Breeze PO per day. And AquaDEKs. Did I leave anything out? Oh yeah, a few translations in Espanol.
The not so exciting news is she will be back. Her Fontan is failing. But she gets to go home for a bit which we think will do wonders for her spirit and overall health.
The other not so exciting news is I'm not working in my beloved inpatient role this week (except for Friday). I'm training (I write with the heaviest sentiment of "uck") in outpatient. Training just brings me back to feeling like an intern. Like an inadequate new employee floundering and flailing and constantly feeling awkward and inadequate and desparately trying to make sense of what the heck I'm supposed to be doing so I don't look like a total idiot. It's just not comfortable. And I really need anything possible in my life to be comfortable right now. Like my bed... which is calling my name.....
This story is about the little sweet cutie patootie girl who has been in the hospital for almost as long as I've been working there and SHE WENT HOME TODAY!!!
I worked on this little complicated darling from Fontan to ECMO with trickle NG feeds and TPN. To months of Portagen. To a nonfat PO diet + Portagen. To dysphagia for thin liquids and therefore honey thick PO liquids + Gtube with Portagen. Then while I was on maternity leave she left and came back and was back to TPN. Then slowly back to Portagen via Gtube. Then Portagen via Gtube + nonfat PO diet + restricted PO honey thick liquids. To finally Monogen via Gtube + nonfat PO diet with 500 ml/day PO honey thick fluid restriction. And one Boost Breeze PO per day. And AquaDEKs. Did I leave anything out? Oh yeah, a few translations in Espanol.
The not so exciting news is she will be back. Her Fontan is failing. But she gets to go home for a bit which we think will do wonders for her spirit and overall health.
The other not so exciting news is I'm not working in my beloved inpatient role this week (except for Friday). I'm training (I write with the heaviest sentiment of "uck") in outpatient. Training just brings me back to feeling like an intern. Like an inadequate new employee floundering and flailing and constantly feeling awkward and inadequate and desparately trying to make sense of what the heck I'm supposed to be doing so I don't look like a total idiot. It's just not comfortable. And I really need anything possible in my life to be comfortable right now. Like my bed... which is calling my name.....
Sunday, June 13, 2010
These tooths were made for eatin'
Haven is getting a tooth! She's not even 4 months old! The whole thing is just hilarious as to me it just solidifies the fact that the girl was born to EAT! We have been wondering if she was showing signs of teething since she's been drooling and putting everything in sight in her mouth these past few weeks. Last night I was at a barbecue and she put my finger in her mouth and there it was-- sharp and coming through! She'll have to wait to use those chompers for 2 1/2 more months though. Omg she is going to look so hysterically cute with a little tooth in that smile!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Coping
Or finding a new way to live I guess. Half dozen of one, 6 of another. Is that the saying? Anyways. A few "silver linings" I've discovered:
1. Time goes by really fast when you do the jobs of two people running one household with two cats and one 3 month old. Which come to think of it may not be all that good when the lifespan of your firstborn infant goes by in a blink...
2. Good food stays around the house longer when there isn't a man with the appetite of a teenage boy around.
3. The grocery bill was less and I felt justified to buy more of what I like than what he likes.
4. Haven naps really well after being in a strange place with a talkative, attention-grabbing 2 year old all day. So I can do quiet mommy activities like blog , dinner, laundry and Facebook :)
5. Dropping the last 5 lbs of baby weight should be a snap since I'm on the too-busy-to-think-about-feeding-myself diet plan.
*****
A few "pains in the asses" I've discovered:
1. Getting up, ready and out the door by 6 AM is nearly impossible with one parent operating on not enough sleep on a Monday.
2. Carrying the items needed for a first day at the new babysitter's is definitely impossible with one parent and a 20 lb 3 month old (not sure if she's 20 lbs yet but I'd bet the farm she's close).
3. Focusing on work is fairly difficult with Haven at the new babysitter's house an hour away.
4. Bartell's does not have grocery carts. See: 20 lb 3 month old.
5. Carrying and breastfeeding the 20 lb 3 month old all day makes for a very sore back with what feels like a protruding vertebra in the middle of my spine. See: world's worst health insurance.
But despite all the crappy pains in the asses above, my worst day doesn't hold a candle to even 5 minutes in the day in the life of the parents of my patients. Holy cow.
I had an 11 month old today getting chemo.
A previously healthy, normal 9-week old with irreversible brain damage caused by an infection that turned into septic meningitis.
A 2 month old with a terrible heart and brain malformation that was not detected on the 20 week fetal ultrasound; so parents expected a healthy baby and instead have a baby who cannot even coordinate feeding by mouth and whose limbs are constantly rigid from seizure-like issues.
A 5 year old who has been in the hospital for months on end. With a bad heart. Who had reconstructive heart surgery. That is now failing. Who has gone back to surgery and will go back again. Who essentially can't eat and has to drink thickened fluids and gets fed through a tube permanently surgically placed in her stomach and is oh I could go on and on with her and her sweet family.
A 12 year old who is dying from a chronic condition that has had her in and out of the hospital at least 4 times in the past month. And she wants to just die at home.
And that was maybe half my day today. The moral of the story: Love your life, love your babies, love your silver linings!
1. Time goes by really fast when you do the jobs of two people running one household with two cats and one 3 month old. Which come to think of it may not be all that good when the lifespan of your firstborn infant goes by in a blink...
2. Good food stays around the house longer when there isn't a man with the appetite of a teenage boy around.
3. The grocery bill was less and I felt justified to buy more of what I like than what he likes.
4. Haven naps really well after being in a strange place with a talkative, attention-grabbing 2 year old all day. So I can do quiet mommy activities like blog , dinner, laundry and Facebook :)
5. Dropping the last 5 lbs of baby weight should be a snap since I'm on the too-busy-to-think-about-feeding-myself diet plan.
*****
1. Getting up, ready and out the door by 6 AM is nearly impossible with one parent operating on not enough sleep on a Monday.
2. Carrying the items needed for a first day at the new babysitter's is definitely impossible with one parent and a 20 lb 3 month old (not sure if she's 20 lbs yet but I'd bet the farm she's close).
3. Focusing on work is fairly difficult with Haven at the new babysitter's house an hour away.
4. Bartell's does not have grocery carts. See: 20 lb 3 month old.
5. Carrying and breastfeeding the 20 lb 3 month old all day makes for a very sore back with what feels like a protruding vertebra in the middle of my spine. See: world's worst health insurance.
*****
But despite all the crappy pains in the asses above, my worst day doesn't hold a candle to even 5 minutes in the day in the life of the parents of my patients. Holy cow.
I had an 11 month old today getting chemo.
A previously healthy, normal 9-week old with irreversible brain damage caused by an infection that turned into septic meningitis.
A 2 month old with a terrible heart and brain malformation that was not detected on the 20 week fetal ultrasound; so parents expected a healthy baby and instead have a baby who cannot even coordinate feeding by mouth and whose limbs are constantly rigid from seizure-like issues.
A 5 year old who has been in the hospital for months on end. With a bad heart. Who had reconstructive heart surgery. That is now failing. Who has gone back to surgery and will go back again. Who essentially can't eat and has to drink thickened fluids and gets fed through a tube permanently surgically placed in her stomach and is oh I could go on and on with her and her sweet family.
A 12 year old who is dying from a chronic condition that has had her in and out of the hospital at least 4 times in the past month. And she wants to just die at home.
*****
And that was maybe half my day today. The moral of the story: Love your life, love your babies, love your silver linings!
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